Why
did I make the worst choices for the things that make the most difference in my
life? And I can’t blame anyone or anything for these mistakes because they are
mine, all fucking mine. And I knew what was happening but didn’t do anything! I
keep allowing it to happen. Why? Am I scared to hurt you? Well of course I am.
How can I break your heart, and then break mine in the process? How can I tell
you that I need more, that I’m in a different place than I was before? How can I
tell you that I need to live, after I’ve told you that I live for you?
Everything that I have said to you is the truth. It all matters and means what I
feel, but I can’t give you all of me because I need more to be free. I sit here
in my class, just having written you an email, not doing my work, listening to
old hippie music which makes my spirit come alive, and I see that we are
totally different people. We were never on the same page; I just wanted it to
be so. I can’t talk to anyone about us, I can’t ask for help from you, I just
need it to go back to what it was. I need you to be my friend, my supporter,
the one I told everything to without worrying about if it hurt you. I need to
be me, and I can’t do that with you.
